its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
