Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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