my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
