1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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