Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
