i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
