Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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