my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
