it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
