I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
