Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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