I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
