Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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