My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
