I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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