Pappa wants mamma naked
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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