Moan for me like Helen Keller
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
