Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
