Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
