i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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