Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
