blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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