I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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