I've blown a few things in my day
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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