He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
