No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
