Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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