Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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