Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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