Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think my vagina is haunted
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
