Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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