There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
