I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
