I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
