Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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