I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
