Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
