I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
