I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
