Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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