Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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