Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
