dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
