No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
