I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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