I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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