I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
