shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
