just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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