The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
