omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
