Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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