That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
