how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Two words: blizzard sex
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize