When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
They took my balls.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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