I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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