I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
