i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
