I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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